How Do People Respond to You?

We can learn a lot by observing how the people around us respond when we talk with them. If they seem interested and engaged, it is a sign that your communication style is healthy and effective. On the other hand, if they look away, become silent, look down at the floor, and seem generally bored, it may say more about the way you are communicating than about their attention span or lack of respect. And, if several people respond to you in similarly disinterested ways, it’s time to pay attention to how you are generating disinterest in what you are saying.

First, notice your tone of voice. Is it harsh, critical, or demanding? Think about how you might soften your tone, so that you don’t come across as “attacking” your listeners.

Second, notice your choice of words. For example, instead of saying, “I see you finally emptied the garbage,” you might say, “You emptied the garbage. Thank you!” That word “finally” contains an indictment — that he/she failed to empty the garbage when you wanted it done. Watch for other words you may use that turn seemingly innocent statements into veiled criticism.

Third, notice your body language. Do you yourself multi-task while you talk, rather than establishing eye contact? Do you stand with your arms folded or hands on your hips? What facial expression do you display — is it a frown or a scowl, or is it neutral or pleasant?

Finally, notice whether you tend to dominate conversations, making them all about you and yours. Do you express interest in the other person’s experiences, family, opinions, or is it a running monologue on your part? Do you talk on and on, barely taking a breath, so that the other person can barely get a word in edgewise, or do you pause between thoughts to allow space for the other to interject their own thoughts?

If you have been unhappy with the way others respond to you when you talk with them, use the questions above to do a self-assessment. If you change your style of communicating, you may generate more interest in what you say.

The Escalation of Anger, Part 2

Because arguments so often escalate into verbal (and sometimes physical) abuse, this topic warrants additional discussion. Let’s take a look at situations that typically lead to escalation, and suggestions on how to handle these situations differently:

• You dominate conversations, leaving the other person with little space to talk. This causes the other to pen up anger until he/she finally explodes. [Suggestion: Avoid monologues. Pause at frequent intervals, and allow the other to respond, so that you’re truly conversing, rather than giving a speech.]
• You blame the other for the problems in the relationship. [Suggestion: Consider what role you play in the problem.]
• You can’t control your own anger when the other person gets angry. [Suggestion: Focus on what the other is trying to express. Say something like, “In other words,….” or “So you felt that….” and add, “I imagine that makes you feel….” Responding in this way helps to defuse the other’s anger, because he/she feels heard.]
• You control what the other person can talk about. [Suggestion: If a topic is uncomfortable, explore within yourself what it is triggering. It is most likely an indication of an area that needs work on your part.]
• You engage in the one-up/one-down loop. [Suggestion: See The Escalation of Anger, Part 1.]

As you can see, awareness is a healthy first step in any of these situations. In any of your interactions, be mindful of the impact your words or actions have on the other person and on the relationship. Don’t minimize the effect of what you say and do. Recognize when you are being emotionally abusive, and takes steps to change.

Sometimes the Truth Hurts

Ever notice how defensive you get when someone calls your attention to something hurtful you may have said or done? It is partly because we each hold an image of the type of person we think we are, or want to be. When we behave outside of that image and our behavior is pointed out, sometimes we go into denial. A voice within us says, “No, that can’t be so….I’m not like that, I’m like this….I would never hurt someone like that….” It’s difficult to hear what the other person is saying about us, because we don’t want to be the kind of person who would do such things. So, we get defensive and attempt to justify what we did with excuses: “I wouldn’t have done that, except for the fact that….”

The next time someone lets you know that you’ve behaved in a way that caused them to feel hurt, uncomfortable, or frustrated, listen to what they are saying. Acknowledge that, while it may not have been your intention to trigger those feelings, what you did had that impact on them. Accept the fact that sometimes you will stumble and act contrary to the person you strive to be. The acknowledgment to the other will be healthy for the relationship. Your acceptance of your own capacity to fall short from time to time will help you to stay aware of, and work on, your weaknesses. You can’t work on weaknesses when you deny that they exist.

Tension in Relationships

For some couples, it doesn’t take much before tension between them begins to mount. Before they know it, they’re “getting into it” with each other — and neither really knows why. It’s a pattern they follow time and time again, and they can’t seem to prevent it from recurring.

One thing to watch for are the assumptions you make when your partner has triggered your anger. If you assume that your partner has done something deliberately to make you angry, of course you’re going to respond with anger. Think for a moment that perhaps your partner’s action was due to the fact that he/she was stressed out due to circumstances relating to work or some other reason. It may not have been about you at all. You just happened to be the closest target. While it’s really not OK for your partner to strike out at you, it may help the situation if you avoid striking back, and instead offer him/her some support and empathy. See if you can find the compassion within you to let the incident go for the moment. When the incident has passed and your partner is calm once again, you can then let him/her know that you felt hurt, frustrated, offended, and so on when they said x or did y. Make a pact with each other that you will let each other know when you’re moody for reasons unrelated to your relationship. This opens up the channels of communication and keeps tension from mounting between you. Your partner can relax, knowing that whatever is bothering you will blow over, rather than causing an argument between you.

Another way to prevent tension from mounting when your partner is upset is merely to listen. Hear what he/she is saying so that you are sure you understand before you respond. Often partners begin to “talk into” each other, focusing only on what they want to say, and they don’t really hear or acknowledge what’s going on with the other person. They interrupt each other and make sarcastic comments. Sometimes they have such difficulty listening to each other that they don’t even recognize when they’re in agreement! If what your partner is saying seems unreasonable or crazy, see if you can find at least one kernel of truth in what your he/she is saying, and agree with that. Don’t get defensive, and don’t try to explain yourself. Listen without judging or criticizing your partner’s thoughts or feelings. Just agree with that one kernel of truth. By doing this, you can lower the intensity of the moment and avoid causing a rift in your relationship. You’ll have plenty of time to explain yourself later.

It’s hard to react differently to your partner if you’ve both spent years suppressing your true feelings and building up strong resentments about times when you each haven’t been heard or understood.  If you each wait around for the other to react differently, it will never happen. Change begins with you!

Scapegoats

A scapegoat is someone who is blamed for things they were not fully responsible for. It’s a role that people take on when their partners or family members deny their own contributions to problems. They blame the problems on the scapegoat.

Scapegoats are made to feel guilty for whatever is wrong in a relationship or family. In one way or another, they are told that, if it weren’t for their faults or “craziness,” the relationship or family would be just fine. If scapegoats try to stand up for themselves and express how they feel, they are attacked, judged and discounted. After a while, scapegoats begin to believe that they always disappoint, and can never be the partner or family member that others want them to be. Therefore, they conclude that they must, in fact, be the cause of all problems.

If you find yourself being scapegoated by any person or group, you can step out of the role by not colluding with the messages the person or group is giving you. People who scapegoat try their hardest to keep the scapegoat in that role. Otherwise, they themselves would need to start accepting responsibility for their part in problems! It may be futile to argue with those who continue to blame you for everything. While you cannot control what others think or say, you can control how you think about a situation and what you are willing to believe about yourself. At least in your own mind acknowledge the contribution that you made to a problem, and refuse to accept the portion that is not yours.

Your Body Language Can Speak Volumes

A disagreement can be viewed as either a “rupture and repair” or as a “cut off.” Ruptures can be repaired; cut offs are not so easily fixed, if they can be at all. One element that distinguishes “rupture and repair” from “cut off” is body language. Body language that is disrespectful and does not acknowledge the worthiness of the other person (i.e., cuts the other person off) is destructive to communication and, therefore, to the relationship. Following are examples of body language associated with “cut off”:

• Folding your arms in front of you, presenting a closed body posture
• Withdrawing physically
• Making little or no eye contact; staring at the floor or the wall and barely looking at the other person
• Glaring at the other person while he/she is speaking, indicating disapproval of what he/she is saying
• When pressed, stating, “I’m being quiet because I feel quiet” as an excuse to explain away withdrawal.

When you disagree with another person, you may feel threatened by the thought of acknowledging what he/she thinks or feels, because it may seem to you as though you’re agreeing with or condoning their position. Acknowledgement is not agreement. It is simply a respectful way of communicating. Before you can hope to reach resolution, it’s important for both of you to express yourselves.

The next time you’re in conflict with another person, watch your body language and avoid cut off. Instead, listen to the other person and accept his/her thoughts and feelings without judgment. If you do so, they are more likely to listen and accept yours. You’ll be on your way to repairing the rupture.

The Escalation of Anger, Part 1

Fights can easily escalate into physical abuse when a person’s anger gets out of control. That physical abuse can take a number of forms, including punching or hitting, pushing or pulling, pinching, biting, and so on. One factor contributing to the escalation of anger is what I call “getting caught in the loop.” Here’s how it works:

Person 1 does or says something that puts himself in a one-up position and Person 2 in a one-down position. It’s uncomfortable for Person 2 to feel one-down, and he’s going to do whatever he can to feel better. So, Person 2 is going to do or say something that puts himself one-up. This automatically causes Person 1 to slide into the one-down position. Person 1 doesn’t like being one-down, and says or does something to regain his one-up position causing Person 2 to slide into a one-down position again. And so on, and so on, and so on…. These two people are “in the loop.” If you recognize that you’re in a loop with someone, you can step out of the loop by refusing to engage in the “one-up/one-down” dynamic. By doing this, you step out of the loop, and the loop collapses, because one person can’t be in the loop by themselves. Once you’re out of the loop, you can try to communicate about the issue at hand in a more productive way. If neither of you steps out of the loop, the situation is likely to escalate, and you may be headed for a physical encounter. Here’s an illustration of the loop. It’s no accident that it resembles an infinity sign, because it can go on and on for what seems like an infinity!

Following are common ways that people get into the loop with each other:

• Using put downs
• Raising one’s voice and using dismissive hand gestures
• Arguing facts
• Responding impatiently, causing the other person to feel offended by tone of voice
• Blaming

The best way to get out of the loop is to take a time-out as soon as you recognize you’re in the loop. Calmly tell the other person that you can see that things are starting to escalate, and you don’t want to say or do things that you might regret, so you’re taking a time-out. Let him or her know when you will be back to resume your conversation. (This is very important. Do not leave the other person feeling abandoned and wondering when or if you’re going to return!) Leave quietly. Do not stomp out and slam the door behind you. Remember, you are trying to preserve the relationship/friendship. Return when you said you would. (If you don’t, this tool will lose its credibility, and will not be effective the next time you try to use it.)

When you do resume discussing the issue, use “I feel” statements rather than attacking with “you” statements. For example, say “I feel hurt when you turn on the TV when I’m trying to talk with you” rather than “You never listen to me when I’m trying to talk with you.” Say “I feel disrespected when you talk over me” rather than “You always interrupt me when I’m talking.”

It’s always wise to take whatever steps you can to de-escalate a situation. Your relationships with significant others, friends and family members will benefit if you put wise steps into practice.

Difficulty Getting Along

Sometimes couples find it difficult to get along. They just can’t be nice to each other, although they wish they could be. They want to be with each other, but they don’t know how to make it work. When this happens, partners are usually harboring anger over past hurts — and the anger over hurts from the past gets in the way of being respectful to each other in the present. And, their daily hurtful interactions serve as regular reminders of the past hurts. So, unless an effort is made to break hurtful patterns of communicating, the relationship never gets a chance to heal. Often a couple will continue in this way because, as uncomfortable as the communication pattern may be, it’s familiar. Changing the way they respond can feel “funny,” because it’s not what they normally do. Part of them may feel like staying the way they are, but another part may realize that they need to make changes if they want to stop the conflict. The decision to change is the first step toward a more harmonious relationship.

A couple can start by making an effort to be nicer to each other. This involves

• Listening to each other and allowing the other to finish speaking before responding, and doing this with an attitude of openness and respect.
• Letting go of minor issues rather than holding onto them and making big deals out of them.
• Expressing appreciation for each other’s small acts of kindness.
• Being tolerant of differences in each other’s temperaments.

The more positive experiences a couple has in communicating and showing compassion for each other, the stronger their relationship will become.